Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Find Your Breath

My yoga teacher kept saying that last night. Find your breath. I remembered something I re-learned during our vacation to Myrtle Beach, SC.

I am not a mouse. I am a Wolf. I don't have to try to be a mouse because it is not my nature. Nor do I have to try to be a wolf...I just am. I am kind. I am forgiving. I seek to enjoy life with those around me with harm to none. BUT, not everyone else is kind or 'deserves' forgiving (I'm hesitant to say it that way, but see my explanation later*) or seeks to enjoy life with harm to none. There ARE others out there who lie, play games, manipulate, and WORSE. I cannot be a party to that. I have no desire to have those kinds of others in my life. They make trouble, they are trouble-makers. I do not bring trouble to other people's lives (if I do, it is completely accidental) and I don't put up with others who do do it on purpose or with purpose. *There ARE people who will kick you and say sorry and kick you and say sorry and kick you and say sorry and kick you and say sorry and kick you and say sorry....you get the picture. I do my best to let go of the injury, but I do not allow them back (unless they make some GRAND kind of gesture and show that they have changed.....this has never happened to me.....yet, but I'm open to the possibility). In my experience, forgiveness isn't something you can do just once...it's done and then done again and when that injury pops up, it's done again and a few months later, again. I have never forgiven someone for doing something to me (that I felt needed forgiveness, we're not talking they accidentally stepped on my foot here) and only had to let it go once - I've had to re-inspect the wound, clean it out...again, put some healing ointment on it, and let it scar over and be, until it was opened again.

I've been exposed to a lot of ~world peace~ kind of talk. Let me say this: I DO NOT BELIEVE IN WORLD PEACE. It's not that I wouldn't want it or that it doesn't sound lovely. I just do not believe in the possibility here on Earth. For example: IF there was world peace....would there be abortion?? would there be porn?? would there be loud motorcycles (cause those things disturb me deeply)?? Would there ever come a time when we'd all agree - "That's it, no more abortion, no more porn, and no more loud motorcycles!" ~YAY~ the crowd goes wild! I don't see it happening. Besides, I'm more into ~BALANCE~ there is no up without down, no left without right. No peace without non-peace.

Most of the people I've come across in this journey have acted as if there is something wrong with my nature. They said I should be a different way. Inside this created a struggle, which has lasted many years and caused me far too much pain. I have fought with the idea of letting things go every time, not taking things personally every time, realizing I don't have to get upset about how someone else is acting every time....being a mouse (no offense to the mouse). I would usually fail and feel like a jerk - this painfull yuck in my chest - not because I WAS a jerk, but because of the self doubt placed inside by these mice. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with those things, but I feel all things in balance ~ there is a time for me to ignore someone who is kicking me or to believe that they didn't mean it AND there is also a time for me to turn around, narrow my gaze at them, growl and spit and lunge because I KNOW those ten kicks were on purpose!

I embrace this about Me. It's not for everyone. But I'm the counter-balance for some of those mice out there and also for those out of balance rabid wolves.

I do not condone violence, but I feel it is necessary in some cases. Bullies don't always stop talking until someone comes along and punches them in the mouth. Even "Little House on the Prairie" - a show full of values - has had many episodes displaying this 'fact'. My all time favorite episode: They had money troubles. Pa had to work several crap jobs...one being cleaning out stables. Snobby Nellie and brother teased Laura about how he smelled like a dirty horse. Laura got upset. Pa set her straight. Next day, Nellie started in again. Laura told her to stop. She didn't. Laura punched her in the nose and said, "Hard working folks only smell bad to folks who have nothing better to do than stick their noses in the air. Well, every time you stick your nose in the air with me, Nellie, it's gonna get punched." YES!

Personally, I will not get sucked into this - "be a 'better' person, just let it go, it doesn't matter anyway, Life here is an illusion, it's not about you, it's about them, don't take it personally" stuff. I want nothing more than to get along with everyone, but not everyone wants to get along with me or anyone else and I can't make them...this doesn't make me any less or more than someone who would choose these options. They just don't sit well in my belly....so, WOLF it is!!

~Half Moon Howlin'~