Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Taking and putting up pictures of myself is a stretch for me. I just don't like pictures of me. But whatever...I'm sure it's just that stupid pain in the butt voice in my head trying to keep me from having a good time and accepting myself. (Shut up you!)
Well, here goes....I'm wearing the project that I mentioned I was working on. I'm calling them scrappy scarves (perhaps I'll put them in my Etsy shop). I heart them BIG. This is also a better picture of my half purple hair.
As you can see, my natural color has grown in. The last time I had it cut and bleached was in January. Honestly, I can say I will do it again. But for now, I'm waiting for my natural color to grow back in. I need a break from having to color my hair every other month.
I'm suddenly feeling kinda quiet. Maybe I'm tired. My daughter just came in and gave me an attitude about locking the front door. I think I need a nappy.
~Beauty - full - ness~
ps: about my earlier thought (a vision of our self)....perhaps it's like everything else...close enough is close enough. anything else would be asking for perfect. and we all know that here, on our beautiful Earth, imperfect IS perfect.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
So for the boys: Hubby, Rowan, Wentz, Mooka, and 4 (as of now) un-named bay-bees. Total: 8
The girls: Moi, Tristan, Binx, Zoe, and 1 (as of now) un-named bay-bee. Total: 5
WHA???? How did that happen?? When did we lose control? Oh well.......at least one of my dreams has come to fruition - I AM SURROUNDED BY ADORING MEN, even if they are mostly cats! heehee
Over the weekend we drove to our old neighborhood (an hour away) to get the poopy scared out of us at Arasapha Farm. They put on such a fantastic show. We so love being scared. :)
Speaking of poopy - it's really funny what reminds you of home. Living out in the country, there are all kinds of smells. We drove past a farm and the smell of cow stuff wafted in the vents. I turned to my husband and said, "It smells like our bedroom." Sadly, he agreed. Oh, those kittens are super cute, but they do have a stanky downside. I guess my hubby's favorite book applies here - "Everybody Poops." Sometimes, I'm actually a little glad for my newly acquired allergies. I leave this conversation with the following wisdom: All good and bad things come to those who can smell.
My plan for the day: taking pictures for my Etsy shop (it's almost ready and there will be a give-away for the Grand Opening - stay tuned), working on a new project (I'll put pictures of that up as soon as it's done), paying attention to cats and cats and more cats, working on a Halloweener post (of sorts).
I'll just be here in my fuzzy slippers.....
(that right one needs a brushing)
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
So often we look at other people's lives or read their blogs and think that what they have is perfect. I have fallen into this trap on many occasions (not just in blog-land, but in 'real-land' too). I am getting better at recognizing the falsity of the thought when it comes up and recalling the understanding that we all have 'issues, problems' (whatever you want to call them), there are potential pitfalls in every journey, and whatever that person has or doesn't have comes with it's own 'price.'
As far as my partner being perfect - he'd say NO and I'd say "He's perfect for ME because I CHOOSE for him to be." Oh, we've had our troubles. Most of them are far and away, but resurface every once in awhile. There were a lot of 'dreams' I had to give up for the health of this relationship, myself, my partner, and my daughter. My husband wasn't my dream husband (are they ever? perhaps sometimes for some people - but I'd venture a guess that for the most part they aren't). After a few years of torture, I realized that that dream guy may look tasty, may say things that melt my clothes off, and may be strong in spirit - BUT HE ISN'T REAL and even IF he was, perhaps he'd have other qualities that didn't allow me to live my best life. For many years, I chose that type of guy and IT NEVER WORKED OUT. I spent my time being upset for one reason or another - he lied, he cheated, he ignored me, he ignored my daughter, he only wanted sex, things changed between us because he couldn't keep up the act (because he wasn't being his real self, only a self that would get me in bed), he was jealous of things I wanted to do, he pushed me away, he was controlling, abusive mentally, emotionally, physically....and the list goes on.
Here's a brief synopsis of how we got together: We worked together for years. He liked me from the first moment he saw me. Then he realized I was dating another co-worker. We became friends and remained so for several years. It took me some time to recognize his feelings, but we never spoke directly of them...until one night we were hanging out. I was single at the time. We hung out a few times, but I wasn't ready yet. I asked if we could go back to being friends. We did. I went back to the co-worker. We reached a place again when it wasn't working out. So, I began to think - instead of getting together with someone who I like and trying to get them to like me.....why don't I get together with someone who likes ME for Who I Am already and see what happens?? That singular idea is where this 'perfect' relationship began.
My husband allows and helps me to live my best life because he knows, understands, embraces, and even likes Who I Am. I can't ask for more than that. But I had to choose to allow it first. I had to decide that the heart, the soul, the character inside of him is more important than the rest.
When we first got together, no one would have believed that we are as happy, as solid as we are. I was really into the idea that we choose partners who remind us of our childhood relationships. We choose these people in order to resolve the painfull parts. I shared this idea with him. We talked a lot about things like that. Both of our families are fraught with relationship troubles. And WE DIDN'T WANT TO REPEAT THEIR MISTAKES or LIVE THEIR F'ED UP LIVES. We'd seen how it turned out and instead of doing the same stupid things, we did something else in hopes that it would work out better. (and I'm happy to say "It has." :)
I would imagine people (even my so-called friends and ex-family) thought/said the following: The bitch with the nice guy. She's using him. He'll do whatever she says, she's going to use that against him. She's going to control him. She's going to get bored of him being so nice and leave. She's going to cheat on him. It will never work. She doesn't love him (that WAS said to me). I feel bad for him (which was also said in a conversation about us when I wasn't present).
Stu and I spoke about that 'stuff' over the years and honestly, we laughed at them all because they really had no idea what they're talking about. They didn't KNOW us. They didn't spend time with us as a couple. Their own relationships were either in a smoking pile of rubble (way beyond repair), well on their way to a smoking pile of rubble, or none existent. Who the heck were they to judge???
My friend says I have to have "the patience of a saint" with him. The reason: he does a lot of things that appear 'dumb' to me. For example, last night - we're cooking dinner together (cause he doesn't have a problem doing or helping to do anything around the house - that's one of his really good qualities). I was going to ask our daughter to cook the rice, but I asked him to do it because "she'll ask me a million questions even though the directions are right on the box." He said, "I'll probably ask you a million questions too." I said, "The directions are right on the box." So, I'm cutting veggies (cause I wouldn't ask him to do that - I kinda like him with fingers) and I see, out of the corner of my eye, him at the sink directly filling the pot up with water. I said, "What are you doing?" He said, "It says to boil the water." I look at the box and see the table which clearly displays a certain amount of rice and a certain amount of water. I say, "What, just water? Not a certain amount of water?" He looks at the box....."Oh." Now, what he did wasn't a huge deal, but piled on top of a million other similar situations ~ sometimes it gets annoying and I usually don't hesitate to tell him so - which is why I said, "We have to have the patience of saints with each other.' I'm no picnic all the time either.
There are other 'issues' in our relationship that are much too private to go into, but believe me, they are there. We just don't allow them to ruin the rest. Other people probably would. The past me would have and tried to. But because we got together at the 'perfect' time for me- when I was ready to get out of the fairy tale idea of relationships and get into a real relationship - and he is just one of those 'nice guys' who always wants things to work out....it has worked out. Where we will go from here - I have no idea - but I have a feeling that it's only going to get better and better.
I also have the feeling that the choice to remain in this relationship will be made again and again because that's how Life goes. The re-cognition that what's good here is really good for us and the 'bad' parts just come with the good package will re-turned to and re-examined and re-membered. It's like going to a restaurant and seeing a steak with a baked potato. Well, perhaps you wanted fries, but it doesn't come with fries, it comes with a baked potato. So, you think, "Do I want that steak enough to have a baked potato and not fries, OR do I want the fries so much that it's worth changing to something else???" I'm loving the steak...so baked potato it is!
So often our society is concerned with LOVE. Love is complicated - I believe I read this idea in Conversations with God: Love is like white light. When it shines through a prism a rainbow appears. All the colors that are contained in that white light show up....red, blue, orange, purple, green, yellow. I believe many of us are confused about what LOVE is. Not that I know exactly or that I haven't been or will be in the future....but I know this, fighting is in there....it's part of the Love. I suppose I concern myself mostly with the liking of my partner. I like him. I like Who He Is. I don't particularly care for all of his characteristics and I'm sure some of mine get on his nerves (he just doesn't say so because it's not his nature)....but still, I like him. Love is like the ocean....ebbing and flowing, rippling, ever moving, even in the smallest way. Like is still. I either like someone or I don't. The way I determine that is through their actions. Has he done things that have hurt me emotionally? YES. YES. Mentally? YES. YES. Physically? YES. YES. (like when we wrestle - not talking physical violence here) But the thing about it is this: Because I know him deeply, I understand that there is no 'on purpose' in his 'hurtfull' actions. So, I do not interpret him as trying to hurt me. Anything he does is accidental or perhaps he wasn't thinking. These things are 'easily' let go.
I see our entire relationship as Divinely Planned. Throughout both of our separate journeys we were prepared, we were taught through a series of painful situations. The purpose ~ so that we would know how to appreciate the GOOD and gracefully accept the bad that surely comes with it.
Basically, in my experience, there are no perfect partners, only ones who are perfect enough. Check out the movie "The Story of Us."
Friday, October 24, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Happy Anniversary Love! You're the bestest guy I could have ever married. I'll be ever great~full that I did even if you do a billion more 'stupid' things!! We rock!
"Holy Mother of God! Every damn time! Oh, it's a bad one!" ::giggle::
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
I am not a mouse. I am a Wolf. I don't have to try to be a mouse because it is not my nature. Nor do I have to try to be a wolf...I just am. I am kind. I am forgiving. I seek to enjoy life with those around me with harm to none. BUT, not everyone else is kind or 'deserves' forgiving (I'm hesitant to say it that way, but see my explanation later*) or seeks to enjoy life with harm to none. There ARE others out there who lie, play games, manipulate, and WORSE. I cannot be a party to that. I have no desire to have those kinds of others in my life. They make trouble, they are trouble-makers. I do not bring trouble to other people's lives (if I do, it is completely accidental) and I don't put up with others who do do it on purpose or with purpose. *There ARE people who will kick you and say sorry and kick you and say sorry and kick you and say sorry and kick you and say sorry and kick you and say sorry....you get the picture. I do my best to let go of the injury, but I do not allow them back (unless they make some GRAND kind of gesture and show that they have changed.....this has never happened to me.....yet, but I'm open to the possibility). In my experience, forgiveness isn't something you can do just once...it's done and then done again and when that injury pops up, it's done again and a few months later, again. I have never forgiven someone for doing something to me (that I felt needed forgiveness, we're not talking they accidentally stepped on my foot here) and only had to let it go once - I've had to re-inspect the wound, clean it out...again, put some healing ointment on it, and let it scar over and be, until it was opened again.
I've been exposed to a lot of ~world peace~ kind of talk. Let me say this: I DO NOT BELIEVE IN WORLD PEACE. It's not that I wouldn't want it or that it doesn't sound lovely. I just do not believe in the possibility here on Earth. For example: IF there was world peace....would there be abortion?? would there be porn?? would there be loud motorcycles (cause those things disturb me deeply)?? Would there ever come a time when we'd all agree - "That's it, no more abortion, no more porn, and no more loud motorcycles!" ~YAY~ the crowd goes wild! I don't see it happening. Besides, I'm more into ~BALANCE~ there is no up without down, no left without right. No peace without non-peace.
Most of the people I've come across in this journey have acted as if there is something wrong with my nature. They said I should be a different way. Inside this created a struggle, which has lasted many years and caused me far too much pain. I have fought with the idea of letting things go every time, not taking things personally every time, realizing I don't have to get upset about how someone else is acting every time....being a mouse (no offense to the mouse). I would usually fail and feel like a jerk - this painfull yuck in my chest - not because I WAS a jerk, but because of the self doubt placed inside by these mice. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with those things, but I feel all things in balance ~ there is a time for me to ignore someone who is kicking me or to believe that they didn't mean it AND there is also a time for me to turn around, narrow my gaze at them, growl and spit and lunge because I KNOW those ten kicks were on purpose!
I embrace this about Me. It's not for everyone. But I'm the counter-balance for some of those mice out there and also for those out of balance rabid wolves.
I do not condone violence, but I feel it is necessary in some cases. Bullies don't always stop talking until someone comes along and punches them in the mouth. Even "Little House on the Prairie" - a show full of values - has had many episodes displaying this 'fact'. My all time favorite episode: They had money troubles. Pa had to work several crap jobs...one being cleaning out stables. Snobby Nellie and brother teased Laura about how he smelled like a dirty horse. Laura got upset. Pa set her straight. Next day, Nellie started in again. Laura told her to stop. She didn't. Laura punched her in the nose and said, "Hard working folks only smell bad to folks who have nothing better to do than stick their noses in the air. Well, every time you stick your nose in the air with me, Nellie, it's gonna get punched." YES!
Personally, I will not get sucked into this - "be a 'better' person, just let it go, it doesn't matter anyway, Life here is an illusion, it's not about you, it's about them, don't take it personally" stuff. I want nothing more than to get along with everyone, but not everyone wants to get along with me or anyone else and I can't make them...this doesn't make me any less or more than someone who would choose these options. They just don't sit well in my belly....so, WOLF it is!!
~Half Moon Howlin'~
Friday, October 17, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
SURPRISE! WEEDS - Oh, we have tons of those. But I like the ones that not only SURPRISE! show up, but are sneaky hiders of their beauty. Like this for example: just a bunch of holey green stuff, right?
but underneath, even pointing toward the ground is this lil cutie flower.
SURPRISE! CATS - Never expected another cat and certainly not a preggers one! Still no kittens. When will they arrive? That's a SURPRISE! too.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
But it is almost ready.....and looking fan-freaking-tastic! Looking forward to opening my lil shoppy-shop.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Some would say, "Pretty 'BAD.'" My friend, who is a gardener and kept a 'garden of eden' of sorts for many years, would probably say, "Oh Melissa" with a disapproving look.
I do not feel ashamed - for I hold this belief very closely in my heart: Even BIG Sloppy Imperfect Messes have value. I can appreciate its wild, unkempt'ness. (So does the chipmunk - he lives in there somewhere.) My eyes see the relaxed state it exists in. It is a place of just letting go...of letting what will be to be...of allowing...of accepting...of embracing that which may not be embraced by 'society'. I can so relate to that.
Not everyone does or can believe in beautiful messes (chooses it??). Some are trapped by perfectionism - or as I like to call it, The Destructor, who will squash, crush, pulverize, and devourer all attempts at non-perfection. I have fought with this 'demon' for a long time in many different areas. (Secretly, I feel I am finally gaining the upper hand. But perhaps that could change at any time....best to remain alert.)
Even places like this contain tiny beauty that waits for us to notice it.
Somewhere along my journey, I've learned that tiny beauty is so worth BIG UGLY. I didn't always know that and I wasn't always as content as I am. Now all I have to do is apply this wisdom to people. Should be easy......................right?
~Hot Chocolate on a Chilly Morning~