In my 36 years I have not yet reached a mountain of positivity that I constantly live on. I don't think I ever will. I just think it's kinda funny that no matter how many counter arguments I know to combat whatever uncomfortable'ness I experience, it doesn't always go away. Perhaps I don't really believe the counter arguments yet. Perhaps those feelings aren't always meant to go away, but to be greeted, sat with, felt, and embraced. I don't know how it will be then...I only know how it is now. This is how it was then.
October 13, 2007
I am awake. It is still dark. Dawn is not yet awake. I am alone, yet I am not. I have nothing to write. There is an emptiness inside, but not the painfull emptiness I've experienced previously, it is rather a calm, quiet dark ~ just a cycle, natural ~ it speaks of a dawn yet to arise. Much like what's going on outside. It is very quiet...only the occasional tweet of the cricket. Will you speak to me now?
What would you like to speak about?
Do not think ~ feel. Now what do you wish to speak about?
I still don't know. We've already had conversations about 'things' I am concerned with and I don't want to repeat.
If you wish to revisit something, do not be concerned about it. I will never tire of speaking of any subject. Unlike most people you've met.
I still feel an emptiness - nothing'ness.
Shall we discuss that?
Sure, lets start there.
Many are uncomfortable with this nothing'ness. They need to feel and experience constantly. Yet they do not recognize that this stillness needs to be experienced as well - it needs/requires attention too. Why do humans feel uncomfortable with the silence, you're asking. I will tell you my opinion. 'You' are socialized by elders and peers to fear the quiet ~ it indicates that something is wrong. 'You' have been taught that it feels uncomfortable - and so 'you' feel uncomfortable about it or when 'you' encounter it. "There are 'things' to fear in this 'nothing'ness'," they've said. Like being afraid of the dark. 'You' just don't know what's there because 'you' can't SEE what's there. This is to be feared - The Unknown. Yet, what 'you' don't know is not to be feared, explored perhaps, but not feared, honored not feared. You've been thinking of this uncomfortable silence that you and T were discussing today. You were correct in saying that it has more to do with the inside than the out. Be comfortable with yourself and you'll be comfortable any where.
How do you 'be comfortable with yourself'? I struggle with this.
Yes, I know. I am aware of your struggles in this area. Here are some steps - Big steps. Perhaps there are only a few because what's involved in taking, gaining, and retaining the steps is so immense and confusing.
1) Release worry, fear, doubt, care, insecurity, and focus on the opinion of others.
2) Know Who You Are.
3) Put faith in #2.
How do I complete #1 or rather, what is involved in #1?
You must understand that Life is like a TV show - everyone has a character, which provides them a script. Unless they have taken steps such as #2, they have no idea Who They Are...well, who they REALLY are - they are of the half-dead, other half asleep. Doesn't make for real consciousness does it? They are trapped in many of these societal well, trappings such as the basis of our discussion...uncomfortable'ness with emptiness. They have NO idea Who You Are. They spend no real soul power (I said that because they use brain power to arrive at their half-baked, half-cooked idea of you.) finding out Who You Are...they don't even know Who They Are, so they certainly wouldn't know Who You Are. Now, I ask you this....if someone spends no time in getting to really know Who You Are...does their opinion of You matter in the slightest?
No, I suppose it doesn't because there is so much that's gone into how I've become Me that even I don't know it all, but I understand a great deal.
If someone creates an opinion based off of either 1 action or a few things or based off of their brain powered thoughts - than their opinion doesn't matter at all. But I tell you this - in the grand scheme of 'things' ~ Life ~ ONLY YOUR OPINION OF YOU MATTERS! It is only your choice Who You Be (or become or are) so, why should any one else, who didn't have any of the choices that you've had and no control over the outcome get to 'say' a 'word' about You? Besides, the rest of 'us' are working on ourselves - we're much too busy and f'ed up, yes I said f'ed up to judge you, sweet dear! :) Isn't it relieving to know this information? If anyone else had control over Who You Are, than they should sit and be judged as well - and actually they will be - by themselves. Those others who contributed to your 'troubles' will judge themselves. Ah, you see, here is dawn. Please, I ask you this favor - Be pleased with Your Self! I am!! Very!! You would do much better to just be pleased in yourself and with Who You Are today! Do not concern yourself with those fools. They are already concerned enough about themselves. You do not need (or have) to add any more energy to their cause. Add energy to yours dear. I like, adore, and enjoy (yes, in joy) your cause. It's entirely special - you don't even know it fully yet - it has not revealed it self to you, but keep going and it soon will. Yay - I'm so excited for you!! You are remembering when that nurse said, "I'd buy that" about your adorably cute tea cup painting ~ Adrift on a tepid sea, asleep in the cup I used for tea. What are your kind of things? I'll list some....firelight, candlelight, light in the dark, light and the dark, together, warmth in the darkness, comfort in the darkness or rather the unknown, snuggled under an afghan or favorite blankie while the wind blows outside. The wind blowing leaves in the trees. A warm mug of something. Mmmmm, you're thinking of cookies. Yes, use that too. These are all great and deep comforts to the soul. So are fresh veggies and a healthy, yet tasty dinner. Use it all dear lovely girl. And get your hair cut if you want to. Be daring. Explore something that you haven't before. Don't worry about it not looking good. You've already imagined that you could wear many hats. THAT would be daring as well! Do it! Go! Be brave! Imagine that your body could look more different than it has ever before! You've always been afraid to dye your hair. Give that idea up. Give it away. Rid yourself of it. Let it go! Be free to dye your hair any color you wish! This is your chance to do so. Take it now. YES!
It's been good talking with you.
We shall speak again. Have a lovely day. In-joy it!
Unnecessary, but appreciated. XOXO - Love and adoration both ways!
To be honest, I'm not sure who it is that I speak to when I have that type of conversation.....God, Goddess, Higher Self, some guide who travels with me. For me, it doesn't matter that I name it, only that I hear it. I try my best to.
Looking back on the 'conversation' from here, I noticed two things.....
1) the talk about my hair. I did cut and dye my hair, several colors (white blond, pink, and purple). I did have a specific fear about it, I said, "I'm afraid to dye my hair because I'll never get it back to my normal color." And here it is, long enough for me to cut off the dyed part and have short, funky 'regular' colored hair again. I had to be strong in this hair....cause some people were rude. Some stared at me, right in the face. Some people talked about me in a mean way like I wasn't even there or I couldn't hear them. Some people used my hair color as a way to attack my personality. I survived it all and still LOVED my hair! Didn't care for those particular people, but knew I was cool, hot, fun, funky, and BRAVE.
2) Everything I just said above was part of the "How to become comfortable with Your Self" list. It was all part of #1.....release worry, fear, doubt, care, insecurity, and focus on the opinion of others.
3) Onto step 2....Know Who You Are. I am not Woman with Purple Hair. I am Woman Who Can Have Purple Hair Among People Who Think It's Not Okay And Think It's More Than Okay, Know It's Wonderfull and Remember That's She's So Much More Than Purple Hair.
Who would have guessed that a very valuable life lesson was hidden in my hair. I thought I was just having fun.