What's on my walls?

Well, art of course! The pictures aren't the best, but I just wanted to share these.....

"She absolutely adores Her Precious Wild Self!"

"They came, from worlds unmapped. Their golden droplets of magick fell upon her cheeks. A glow immeasurable grew inside, each day a little bit more (Magick happens instantly over time. It's a matter of fact.) until the glorious day arrived when she was finally able to stand unabashedly naked in her truest self. Since that day, there are times she forgets or times she just can't, but they are eternally present and their golden droplets of magick never evaporate."

"Self Love elegantly adorns spirit!"

I heart her hair! Here's a close up. I used metallic paint, so it's a little hard to get a clean picture of it without the shimmer showing up.

These three are hooked together with wire.


"Growth happens Magickally"

"inner stillness is cultivated"



"Sunrise is a Miracle"

"The sea breeze lives forever inside this woman"



"Serenity nestled in her heart and changed the entire world"

This one is based off the idea of Alchemy - the chemistry of the Middle Ages, the chief aim of which was to change the baser elements into gold.

"As she grew, her base elements were given to her. In her middle ages, she turned into gold."

Today, I'm working on presents for the Christmas gift exchange.

~Ribbons and Bows~

Melissa

Wisdom and Struggle

In my 36 years I have not yet reached a mountain of positivity that I constantly live on. I don't think I ever will. I just think it's kinda funny that no matter how many counter arguments I know to combat whatever uncomfortable'ness I experience, it doesn't always go away. Perhaps I don't really believe the counter arguments yet. Perhaps those feelings aren't always meant to go away, but to be greeted, sat with, felt, and embraced. I don't know how it will be then...I only know how it is now. This is how it was then.

*******

October 13, 2007

I am awake. It is still dark. Dawn is not yet awake. I am alone, yet I am not. I have nothing to write. There is an emptiness inside, but not the painfull emptiness I've experienced previously, it is rather a calm, quiet dark ~ just a cycle, natural ~ it speaks of a dawn yet to arise. Much like what's going on outside. It is very quiet...only the occasional tweet of the cricket. Will you speak to me now?

What would you like to speak about?

I'm thinking.

Do not think ~ feel. Now what do you wish to speak about?

I still don't know. We've already had conversations about 'things' I am concerned with and I don't want to repeat.

If you wish to revisit something, do not be concerned about it. I will never tire of speaking of any subject. Unlike most people you've met.

I still feel an emptiness - nothing'ness.

Shall we discuss that?

Sure, lets start there.

Many are uncomfortable with this nothing'ness. They need to feel and experience constantly. Yet they do not recognize that this stillness needs to be experienced as well - it needs/requires attention too. Why do humans feel uncomfortable with the silence, you're asking. I will tell you my opinion. 'You' are socialized by elders and peers to fear the quiet ~ it indicates that something is wrong. 'You' have been taught that it feels uncomfortable - and so 'you' feel uncomfortable about it or when 'you' encounter it. "There are 'things' to fear in this 'nothing'ness'," they've said. Like being afraid of the dark. 'You' just don't know what's there because 'you' can't SEE what's there. This is to be feared - The Unknown. Yet, what 'you' don't know is not to be feared, explored perhaps, but not feared, honored not feared. You've been thinking of this uncomfortable silence that you and T were discussing today. You were correct in saying that it has more to do with the inside than the out. Be comfortable with yourself and you'll be comfortable any where.

How do you 'be comfortable with yourself'? I struggle with this.

Yes, I know. I am aware of your struggles in this area. Here are some steps - Big steps. Perhaps there are only a few because what's involved in taking, gaining, and retaining the steps is so immense and confusing.

1) Release worry, fear, doubt, care, insecurity, and focus on the opinion of others.

2) Know Who You Are.

3) Put faith in #2.

4) Live

How do I complete #1 or rather, what is involved in #1?

You must understand that Life is like a TV show - everyone has a character, which provides them a script. Unless they have taken steps such as #2, they have no idea Who They Are...well, who they REALLY are - they are of the half-dead, other half asleep. Doesn't make for real consciousness does it? They are trapped in many of these societal well, trappings such as the basis of our discussion...uncomfortable'ness with emptiness. They have NO idea Who You Are. They spend no real soul power (I said that because they use brain power to arrive at their half-baked, half-cooked idea of you.) finding out Who You Are...they don't even know Who They Are, so they certainly wouldn't know Who You Are. Now, I ask you this....if someone spends no time in getting to really know Who You Are...does their opinion of You matter in the slightest?

No, I suppose it doesn't because there is so much that's gone into how I've become Me that even I don't know it all, but I understand a great deal.

If someone creates an opinion based off of either 1 action or a few things or based off of their brain powered thoughts - than their opinion doesn't matter at all. But I tell you this - in the grand scheme of 'things' ~ Life ~ ONLY YOUR OPINION OF YOU MATTERS! It is only your choice Who You Be (or become or are) so, why should any one else, who didn't have any of the choices that you've had and no control over the outcome get to 'say' a 'word' about You? Besides, the rest of 'us' are working on ourselves - we're much too busy and f'ed up, yes I said f'ed up to judge you, sweet dear! :) Isn't it relieving to know this information? If anyone else had control over Who You Are, than they should sit and be judged as well - and actually they will be - by themselves. Those others who contributed to your 'troubles' will judge themselves. Ah, you see, here is dawn. Please, I ask you this favor - Be pleased with Your Self! I am!! Very!! You would do much better to just be pleased in yourself and with Who You Are today! Do not concern yourself with those fools. They are already concerned enough about themselves. You do not need (or have) to add any more energy to their cause. Add energy to yours dear. I like, adore, and enjoy (yes, in joy) your cause. It's entirely special - you don't even know it fully yet - it has not revealed it self to you, but keep going and it soon will. Yay - I'm so excited for you!! You are remembering when that nurse said, "I'd buy that" about your adorably cute tea cup painting ~ Adrift on a tepid sea, asleep in the cup I used for tea. What are your kind of things? I'll list some....firelight, candlelight, light in the dark, light and the dark, together, warmth in the darkness, comfort in the darkness or rather the unknown, snuggled under an afghan or favorite blankie while the wind blows outside. The wind blowing leaves in the trees. A warm mug of something. Mmmmm, you're thinking of cookies. Yes, use that too. These are all great and deep comforts to the soul. So are fresh veggies and a healthy, yet tasty dinner. Use it all dear lovely girl. And get your hair cut if you want to. Be daring. Explore something that you haven't before. Don't worry about it not looking good. You've already imagined that you could wear many hats. THAT would be daring as well! Do it! Go! Be brave! Imagine that your body could look more different than it has ever before! You've always been afraid to dye your hair. Give that idea up. Give it away. Rid yourself of it. Let it go! Be free to dye your hair any color you wish! This is your chance to do so. Take it now. YES!

It's been good talking with you.

We shall speak again. Have a lovely day. In-joy it!

Thanks.

Unnecessary, but appreciated. XOXO - Love and adoration both ways!

*******

To be honest, I'm not sure who it is that I speak to when I have that type of conversation.....God, Goddess, Higher Self, some guide who travels with me. For me, it doesn't matter that I name it, only that I hear it. I try my best to.

Looking back on the 'conversation' from here, I noticed two things.....

1) the talk about my hair. I did cut and dye my hair, several colors (white blond, pink, and purple). I did have a specific fear about it, I said, "I'm afraid to dye my hair because I'll never get it back to my normal color." And here it is, long enough for me to cut off the dyed part and have short, funky 'regular' colored hair again. I had to be strong in this hair....cause some people were rude. Some stared at me, right in the face. Some people talked about me in a mean way like I wasn't even there or I couldn't hear them. Some people used my hair color as a way to attack my personality. I survived it all and still LOVED my hair! Didn't care for those particular people, but knew I was cool, hot, fun, funky, and BRAVE.

2) Everything I just said above was part of the "How to become comfortable with Your Self" list. It was all part of #1.....release worry, fear, doubt, care, insecurity, and focus on the opinion of others.

3) Onto step 2....Know Who You Are. I am not Woman with Purple Hair. I am Woman Who Can Have Purple Hair Among People Who Think It's Not Okay And Think It's More Than Okay, Know It's Wonderfull and Remember That's She's So Much More Than Purple Hair.

Who would have guessed that a very valuable life lesson was hidden in my hair. I thought I was just having fun.

~Tinselled Trees~

Melissa

Mail Call

As you know, I've been really caught up in this cat stuff. They can really take over your life. Hubby said, "Do you ever feel like a slave to the cats?" I said, "Yeah, sometimes I feel like a slave to you and T too, but that's part of relationship."

Anyways, I've received several snail mail packages and I haven't even talked about them. So here goes:

I bought the most lovely necklace from Queen Kim. I am so looking forward to wearing it in the summer when it can actually be seen without jackets and sweaters over-powering it.

She also included her famous rocks (Their brothers and sisters have made it to Paris!)

and a "red-hot" blank note card (check it out here). (Also in this picture you can see the beautiful clasp of the mermie necklace.)

Then Super Sandy sent me this amazing Goddess face. I can't wait to paint her. (BTW, Sandy just opened her Etsy shop. YAY YOU!)

She also included these beach rocks. They're smooth, yet bumpy....black, yet white, but the best part is the tiny crystals embedded inside that catch the light. When my life slows down a lil bit, I plan on painting words on them.....beachy words like flow, breeze, warmth, sunshine. Yum. When spring comes back, they'll sit at the feet of Buddha in the yard.

One of my 'bad' days last week was seriously brightened with a belated trinkety birthday package from Jennlui. It arrived just when I needed it! Isn't that wonderfull? It held so many fabulous treasures that my heart burst with gratitude for Jennlui's generous nature. (She has a lovely Etsy shop too.)

Candles to warm my sacred space. The cutest tickets with wonderful words like Bliss, Giggle, and Live! A card with Ganesh's mantra. Little elephant and heart cut-outs. Pretty bags to keep trinkets in. And more of her lil cards with lovely pictures that I can share with others.

I HEART these elephants BIG! They will become part of a necklace or charm bracelet.

A bag packed full of the most gorgeous gold sequins. Ooooo, they'll surely add gobs of golden'ness to any project.

Fun Ganesh stickers (stickers rock!) and a bag of lovely beads, sparkly stars, and a moon.

WOW! My heart is overflowing Friends. Thank you Kim, Thank you Sandy, Thank you Jennlui for sharing these fantastic-beautiful-cute-creative-amazing items with me!!!! Thank you for being Who You Are. I look forward to seeing what creations show up with the help of all of this inspiration and love you've packaged up and mailed to lil ol me. :)

::Burp:: Excuse me, I'm totally FULL of snail mail FUN!

~Pitter Patter of tiny kitten feet on the kitchen floor~

Melissa

Breathing in....breathing out

Last week was a difficult one. We made three trips to the vet and one to the emergency vet. Everything is fine though now (knock on computer).

The time for suckling is over. Sad. Zoe ended up getting an infection in one of her mammary glands, so she cannot nurse the babies anymore. It was about time for it to be over anyways. The babies are 6 weeks old now. The time has really just flown by.

Twix wasn't eating very good for a few days, so he had a seizure due to low blood sugar. No permanent damage. We just have to make sure he eats. He's so picky about what he eats. Yesterday, I opened 5 different kinds of food just to get him to eat.

Well, at least everyone has a real name now (and not just a nickname). And I've gotten some of the cutest pictures!!!!

You've met Twix. He's always been named Twix. As a matter of fact, he's the only one without a nickname. I'm sure he'll come across one he fancies.

Now meet Magick, formerly Buckwheat. If you've ever had a black cat then you know how hard it is to take pictures of them. He showed up really good against the yellow walls though! He loves shoes and often falls asleep in them. His eyes were the bluest out of the whole pack. They're changing now - the green is creeping into the center.

and Pirate, formerly Blackbeard.




and Cleopatra Queen of the Pile (Cleo for short), formerly Girl.

and finally, Pop-Tart formerly Marble. He was the last one to get a name. We tried out Linden, but it just wasn't cute enough. Pop-tart is plenty cute!

My new favorite thing to say "No suckles, no suckles....NO suckles!"

~Ahhhhh~

Melissa

Gratitude through the yucky parts

I had said a lil while back on Jennlui's blog that I was going to share this story. So here it is...........

Parker's story.

A few years back, we lived in an apartment about an hour from where we live now. At the time, we were preparing to move. Boxes were like gold to us.

Hubby, T, and I had come home from somewhere. We spotted a bunch of boxes in the apartment complex trash and decided to come back out for them. While we were collecting our prize, a man asked us if we had seen a black kitten. We hadn't, but of course, this peaked our interest. The three of us looked around as the man talked. He explained that someone had told him that the owners moved away and left the cat.

Finally, we found the guy. He was a full grown cat...not the kitten we were expecting. But as sweet as could be. Jet black. I went inside to get him some food and water. T came out, of course to see him. He was very friendly, not at all like an outside cat. We left him to eat.

Back inside, the three of us began to talk. Even then, we couldn't say no. We enticed him inside with more food and put him in our bedroom, away from our other two cats.

His face was scratched in several places, one across his eye. His body was hard, muscular, unlike our flabby tabbies. We sat in the bedroom, getting to know him. T laid on the floor near where he lay, but not close enough for him apparently because he drug himself across the carpet to be right next to her. Awwww! Here's the first picture we took of him 6/1/07. Perfect setting for a 'Halloween Cat', with all my witchy stuff behind him. You can see the scratches on his face here.

We talked over various names and finally decided on PARKER, since we'd found him in a parking lot. :)

I was unsure of him, as I am with any cat from the outside. You never know how they are going to react to being petted or picked up. But this eased very quickly. That night, as I lay in bed, he jumped up next to me and lay down. A moment later, he threw his arms around my thigh and fell fast asleep. Double awwwww!

Hubby and I weren't planning on keeping him, but I also know very well what happens to some cats in places like the SPCA. I called different numbers and emailed several people about options. I came into contact with a woman who referred me to a place called "Forgotten Cats." They fix outside cats and release them so that they can live out their lives, but not make any more babies. We decided to have him fixed and just wait and see what would happen.

I dropped him off in the morning. My husband was going to pick him up. I could tell as soon as hubby came in the door that something was wrong.

Parker tested positive for Feline Leukemia. In humans, this is AIDS.

I was so pissed and so upset. Someone hadn't taken care of this precious life. Not only did they leave him in an apartment complex parking lot, not feed him or love him the way he deserved, but they were so irresponsible that they didn't get him the shots he needed and now he was going to die because of it. He was only a year old.

Our decision was made. We would keep him and love him and take care of him.

Parker loved to play. I mean LOVED. He chased strings and every toy we threw for him. We tired of playing before he ever did. Gosh was he strong. Pure muscle this one! He moved into T's room. She had been wanting a lover cat to snuggle with. Binx and Rowan just weren't the type. But Parker loved it. She'd lay in bed watching tv and he'd curl up in her arms and fall asleep. Triple awwww!

Eventually we introduced him to Rowan and Binx. We were worried for their safety since he was an outside cat and obviously in better shape than they. But he was as gentle with them as he had been with us. He never hissed or growled or hit. They weren't as nice, but accepted his presence (most likely because I'm the one in charge around here and they know it). But there was one day when Parker got up on the couch next to Rowan and laid his head on Rowan's butt. Rowan didn't move and actually fell asleep. Quadruple awwwwww!

It wasn't long before the Leukemia showed its effects. He lost interest in eating. He slept a lot. He had that "I'm sick" look. I prayed. I placed my statue of the Goddess Bast next to his bed. We took him to the vet and got every shot and/or medicine we could. We even tried an experimental drug. Nothing seemed to work for very long. Then it didn't work at all.

On the Monday, we watched and cried, knowing we were going to have to make a hard decision soon. We finally decided that we couldn't watch him suffer. It was unfair to us all. We would have him 'put to sleep' the next day.

That night, hubby and I were restless. We made a bed for Parker in the living room. We 'slept' on the couch with the tv on. The next morning, Parker was up and washing himself. I offered him some food, which he happily ate. I have a video of this. That is a precious piece of technology to me.

Unfortunately, this was but a moment in time, his health deteriorated again. And by the next day, we were as sure, as anyone can be (which is never 100% positive when you're making this kind of decision) that it was time.

We were signing the papers for out new house the next day. We asked the current owners if we could drive up and bury him there that night. They were kind enough to agree.

We took him to the vet. We cried while we waited. People, strangers, came up to us, hugged us, asked us about him, looked at him, said he was precious. They were all very kind. The staff took us to a room. Hubby and I petted Parker and told him we loved him and how sorry we were that thing turned out this way. The doctor came in. She'd been with us through the ordeal. She said we did everything we could, that he was lucky to have us because he would have suffered terribly outside all by himself, and that we were doing the 'right' thing.

He drifted off. His physical form out of my life. It was an exquisite kind of pain. We drove an hour to our new house, crying here and there, with his precious body in a box in the back seat. The whole way, I felt this deep urge to throw my hands up to the sky and call out, "THANK YOU...thank you for this experience, for Parker, for knowing him, for the time we had, for his sweet lovable nature. Thank you that you chose us to care for him, you trusted us, you knew we were the kind of people who would love him, give him everything we could, and let him go when it was time. THANK YOU for the painfull'ness of this fabulous LOVE. Thank you that this happened so that I can feel this confusing, wonderful, painful, absolute gratefulness." I can't explain it any better than that. That feeling continued for many days and weeks after. I remember it being very intense.

When we arrived at what would be our new home, we chose a place just outside the woods and dug in the hard, rocky earth the best that we could. I wrote messages to him on the box. Told him we loved him and placed his body back into Her arms. We drove home and cried some more. We signed the papers for the house the next day.

A few days later, we received a card in the mail from the vet. This is what it says, "In their short lives our pets give us all they can - their friendship, unselfish love, and total loyalty. There comes a time when we must give back to them - their freedom, their peace and their dignity. May you find comfort in knowing that your pet is now at peace." She wrote these words, "I appreciate all that you did for Parker. Sincerely, Dr Jody." Glued inside is also this poem "When a pet dies, that special warm place in our hearts suddenly becomes empty...and, as in all painful events, it will take time to get over the loss...But we realize, as time passes, that animals have a way of teaching us about loving, about loyalty, joy, and friendship...And whatever we've shared in their presence can never really be lost."

We were blessed to have Parker in our lives from June 1 until June 26. A very short time, but hugely important.

The statue of Bast, that sat next to his bed while he was sick, has graced his spot since he 'left'. This summer we painted the rocks around it.

You know, it's funny.....although this happened more than a year ago, it's still very hard to think about this experience and even more difficult to write about. Seriously, I'm bawling like it just happened. I think it always will be one of those wounds in me that may look healed over, but it never really is.

I can say this though: Parker and his journey is one of those bittersweet 'things' that has caused me a ton of pain..............but still, I am ever so glad that it happened to me. I will never forget that moment when he threw his arms around my thigh. It's one of those precious seemingly little things that happen. I think those are the experiences that we take with us to the beyond and others gather around in a large park to listen to our stories. I know they'll be wowed by this one.

What a Great Cat!

Some people think we're crazy for keeping the kittens and for having 10 cats. But Parker's story is one of the reasons they're staying. They deserve a good home and I know we'll give it to them.

~Blessed Be We~

Melissa

PS: I am currently blessed to have another black cat, Wentz (or Little Man or Puppy or Pwuppy or Pug) who is also a lover. This one throws his arms around my neck and hugs. He came up and hugged me a few minutes ago, when I really needed it. :) Thanks Little Puppy Man!

An award for lil ol' me :)

The Most High Queen of Arts has awarded me with this.



"This blog invests and believes in PROXIMITY, nearness in space and time of relationships. These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find friends and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers."

Isn't it wonderful! A thousand blessings to whoever came up with this award. It's totally sweet! And a million-ka-trillion-ba-billion blessings to Kim "The Queen of Arts" for thinking of me. I'm very honored to receive this award. Cuddles for you Kimmi-bo-bimmie!

I live my life that way. I believe in relationships. I believe in sharing deep learnings with others. I believe in putting off ANYTHING I am doing if a friend says they need me. The reason I began blogging was to meet like minded women...because I couldn't find them where I live. Relationships are two-sided. I take pride in speaking back to someone who spoke to me. I don't judge those who don't speak to me when I've spoken to them. But I also don't 'waste' a lot of time on them. I don't like to chase people around. If you want to be friends - I AM SO IN! If you don't - that's cool, I'll just find people who do.

Anyways, enough blah, blah......

Here's who I'd like to pass this award onto:

Jennlui
Sandy
Leah
Robyn

I'd really like to award it right back to Kim! Cause I heart her.

YAY FOR US ALL!!!!

I wanted to revisit this post a little. I had a few extra thoughts about it.

I do not believe that we are all meant to reach the same exact level of 'self-confidence' that Maya or many others have. I think we're all different....different journeys, energy levels, starting points, 'parents', friends, talents, experiences, beliefs........

I truly believe that someone who started in a higher or more sturdy tree than I will probably get to a 'higher' level than me. Someone who started lower may not make it to where I do. Some people were blessed with parents who weren't too messed up with their own stuff to not mess up their kids. It's a better starting point than what some of us get. So, am I expected to reach the same level as someone who had 'good' parents? No.

I don't feel that the point of Life is to get to the absolute perfection of self-love (which includes believing in ourselves which helps us to shine our own light).....if you know me, than you know how much I believe in BALANCE. I have days (sometimes many in a row) when I feel confident in myself and what I create. And then there are the days when I just don't. I don't know what the purpose of those 'bad' days are other than to really make the 'good' days shine even brighter. I make it through them, I mean, I'm still here and creating. I don't like them. I don't like the way they feel inside. But they ARE. I know all the counter-moves against them, sometimes they chase away that yuck, sometimes they don't. Sometimes I just take a nap.

I also believe that self-love (like many other 'things') is something that we learn and then lose and learn and forget and remember and deny and re-capture and throw away and find all over again. Perhaps some of us have it and always keep it.....I just don't know those people. And I'm perfectly okay with not being one. I'm me and I feel the way I do. There is an ecstasy to that.

~Mmmmm turkey soup~
Melissa

ps: Glad to be back among you creatively alive beings! Missed you. Huggles!!!!!